She would call me as I was racing back, only to say, “You shouldn’t be talking on the phone while driving!” when I picked up. and, if you weren’t home yet, wide awake at 11:59 P.M. She was almost always bad cop, an imposer of midnight curfews with that uncanny mom ability to be deep in sleep at 11:58 P.M. She grew up the daughter of a minister and ran our house with a similar hand-not tyrannical but firm, the matriarch of two boys. My mom is 58, has short hair, stands a tiny five-foot-two, and takes no shit. Who are you, and what did you do to my mom? “Should I set you guys up, or should I just ghost on them? Maybe we should ghost on them.” “What do you think we should do with these girls?” she asked upon picking up the phone. It’d been less than two hours since I installed the app on her phone. And if my mom is so intent on my having a girlfriend, then why shouldn't she just go out and find one for me? So I pushed her into that sea, disguised as me. More than being with someone, Tinder creates the illusion of not being without anybody, a way to remember that there are indeed a lot of fish in the sea, and a great number of these fish might want to have sex with you. To me, Tinder had always been merely something to do to pass the time, like a sexually charged version of Candy Crush. It's called Tinder, and it's a floating box on your iPhone that you can touch when you have no one to touch. Constantly fifth-wheeling at Christmas.īut unlike when my mom was 26, there is now, quite literally, an app for this. That baby was my brother, who at 26 had already been with the woman he would marry for six years.Īnd then there's me. When she was 26, my mom was married to her high school sweetheart, the man who took her to the prom in a goofy Volkswagen Beetle. I have not had a girlfriend for four years. "Dad, me, you, and, you know, if you have a friend by then you want to bring."Ī friend " by then"? So, like, not one of the friends I already have? Like, a girlfriend? You're talking about a girlfriend, aren't you, Mom? "We got four tickets," she told me a few months before the date of the show.
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